19 November 2012

I’m an actual non league football club, get me out of here

What’s shovelling another helping of kangaroo anus into your ageing barely familiar face got to do with Luton Town and non league football? Well? Nothing, that’s what. NO-THING. Alright? Good.



This game’s knackered. It’s corrupt. But what did I do wrong? How did I end up here...

I was massive in the 80s. Fucking massive. I was on the world stage. The national press swooned. People from far flung places like... like Norway - SCANDANAVIA for crying out loud - places I’d never dared to dream of reaching were tuning in on their heavily taxed TVs, smashed on hand-crafted moonshine and A-ha records. They loved me. They all wanted a piece. And now? Now you ask.

Well now I’m forced, week after week to ritually humiliate myself in strange undiscovered places, lapping up the cold dead remnants of once living beings and non-entities that every so often get the better of my increasingly fragile constitution.

Every so often one of the wriggling mites sticks in the back of my throat and I choke. And every time I choke I can hear them groan.

They groan because they saw me before all this. Before my crooked manager tried to strip me of my dignity and my money. Before the tortuous nationwide tour of forgotten towns. Before the game made me cynical and tired. Before the phone vote. Before the powers-that-be banished me here to scrap for a living in this never ending parade of young upstarts who’ll never amount to anything and a couple of other old ‘names’ whom I can barely look in the eye.

It wasn’t supposed to go on this long. “Months, that’s all it will be and then you’ll come back a hero”. That’s what they said.

Well I’m sick of the sheep’s bollocks now. Sick of the anus. Yeah I must admit there was some novelty value to it at the beginning. At the beginning they must have thought “Wow, look at him down there. HIM! Slumming it! He’ll be back”.

But it’s been 4 years now. 4 years.

I think the cameras have gone now. I saw a couple of the younger, prettier ones managed to escape. “Off to the big time for them” we grimaced.

Now it’s just me. Me and a band of no hopers so impotent and love-starved that I don’t think any of us actually want to win anymore.

And if I’m honest, I’m not sure anyone’s even watching. 

17 comments:

  1. Are visits to Alfreton, Tamworth and Forest Green really any worse than Burton, Morecambe and Dagenham and Redbridge. I don't think so. We get more live TV coverage on Premier Sports than ANY league 1 or 2 clubs. Our crowds are higher than 30 league clubs and we win more than we lose.

    Forget the league we are in and enjoy the contest and afternoon and you might just enjoy the day. Course it is not the premiership, but it does not have the nonsense surrounding that,real football and btw league one is a mile from the Premiership as well.

    Keep the faith. Come on you Hatters!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent. It's what we do on a Saturday and on wet, cold and dark Tuesday evenings. We will eventually return to the Football League. Entertainment wise the BSP is on a similar level to League 2. In order to progress the crowd needs to keep coming and remain positive. The current situation is just a part of the Club's history and one day will be a dim memory.

      Delete
    2. NorthLondonHatter1 December 2012 at 23:08

      Getting coverage on Premier Sports is hardly something to shout about. It probably has viewing figures similar to a Forest Green away following

      Delete
  2. Yes,I couldn't agree more.Never mind the overhyped rest of them,we will return!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Excellent analogy - it's even got the phone vote of course. I always think of LTFC as a soap opera - but no, you are right, we are faded celebs forced to eat wallaby cock in the outback of football.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fantastic article. Would be funny if it wasn't so painful.

    ReplyDelete
  5. LuTonino carefully picks out Burton, Morecambe and Dagenham as opposition who wouldn't excite us if we were back in the League. Well there are 21 others in League 2 including the likes of Plymouth, Bradford City, Gillingham, etc and others with proper grounds and a bit of history.
    Of course we'd rather go to any of those than to frigging Telford, Braintree, and Hyde etc.
    And who in their right mind would rather be occasionally featured on the amateurish Premier TV instead of the BBC Football League show every Saturday? Not many that's for sure.
    There are 92 FL clubs and we should and would be one of them had Mawhinney and his crew not docked 40 points in 9 months or whatever it was. Which is something that would never happen now (see the case of Portsmouth, etc).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rob, stop living in the past. Nothing is achieved by constantly harping on about the points penalty. If we are not on BBC, so what, most of us see the games 'live'. Live for the future, it is what's important.

      Delete
    2. Did you just mention Gillingham as a big club? I despair.

      Delete
  6. Dave: "faded celebs forced to eat wallaby cock in the outback of football". Can you get some t shirts printed?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Further to the briliant article, we would be in the footbal league if the officials were able to do there job properly, I refer to the YORK goal that never was at Wembley. God Save Our Hatters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Boring, not the article but the fact that Peter White mentions the York goal. Move on, lad. Luton had their chances to win but never took them. York took their chances and got promoted. Football is a strange game with lots of wrong decisions being made but Luton supporters must be the only ones who keep harping on about the past. Move one.

      Delete
  8. Luton Town FC are a team to be preoud of, through the termoil of point's deduction's, mismanagment and financhal eregularitie's ( as an accusation of fraud could open a legal mine field ) we're still here. We have an ownership that is running us a club should be run. We could put ourselve's in the same position as Crawly and fleetwood and spend a fortune getting promoted and spend the next 2-5 years making a loss. We are still a big club being run properly and sensibly, we have a better youth system than some premier league side's

    ReplyDelete
  9. Cheers for the comments chaps, or anonymous womans. For the record I know Division 4's shit, but I'd swap all the Johnstone's Paint in the stadium to be back there next year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The people above who keep saying things like "Stop moaning and move on" sound like schoolteachers. Is that why they don't give their names?

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I turned off the registration to comment thing, outlaws style. I've obviously got much more respect for the opinions of those who have given their real names, like Lizard and Mr Mosque.

      Delete